[The words come out softly, revealing something he's never actually talked about.]
I believed it for a long time. The only reason I know the truth at all is because of Edgar's ability -- the world inside his books doesn't allow for supernatural abilities to exist. But I solved it anyway.
[Twelve years of thinking he was an ability user. Even now, accepting that it was all a lie is something he's still grappling with. There's a reason he still uses those glasses, after all. And why he fell prey to addiction so quickly with alcohol, given the way it turned his mind off.]
But even if it was a terrible thing to lie, he only did it because he saw how much I was suffering. I was a lot angrier back then. I could see too much about the people around me, and didn't understand why they'd get so angry when I pointed it out. I don't think I would have gone as far as Dazai, but... it would have been hard to live like that. It was hard. But Fukuzawa-san saw different path I could take, and really... it's thanks to him that I'm still here at all.
[Ahh. He's getting emotional again, his eyes shining as he smiles back at her.]
I can talk about lofty ideals about helping people and changing the world-- but really, we're all just searching for a way to live. And if we can help others as we help each other, all the better.
[Lucy is a good listener. Even when she doesn't understand, she at least knows how to turn her two ears on and give it a try. So it comes as a surprise to her when Ranpo, who she had written off as impossible to understand, makes near perfect sense. His situation was hard and upsetting, but she also understands where Fukuzawa was coming from.]
... Nope. You do-gooders are still strange.
[She sighs, not sure how to help with his eyes. Making him cry more was not the goal tonight, but here she is! At least she carries a package of tissues in her pocket. There are too many crybabies in her life not to.]
Give yourself more credit. I, for one, only cared about me. Finding a way to live, sure, but it takes an extra something to care about whoever you run into along the way.
[The tissues are appreciated-- excuse him as he just holds one over his whole face to soak up the tears instead of wiping them like a normal human being.]
I guess so. But there's nothing wrong with caring about yourself, either.
If anything-- that's something that some of us are still working on.
[Ranpo knows, after all, that his relationship with Inaba wouldn't have become so toxic if he cared about himself more. Maybe then he could have seen the signs earlier and put a stop to things before the hurt could hurt so much.]
I know I'm crying again, but-- I do feel better, talking to you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[The words come out softly, revealing something he's never actually talked about.]
I believed it for a long time. The only reason I know the truth at all is because of Edgar's ability -- the world inside his books doesn't allow for supernatural abilities to exist. But I solved it anyway.
[Twelve years of thinking he was an ability user. Even now, accepting that it was all a lie is something he's still grappling with. There's a reason he still uses those glasses, after all. And why he fell prey to addiction so quickly with alcohol, given the way it turned his mind off.]
But even if it was a terrible thing to lie, he only did it because he saw how much I was suffering. I was a lot angrier back then. I could see too much about the people around me, and didn't understand why they'd get so angry when I pointed it out. I don't think I would have gone as far as Dazai, but... it would have been hard to live like that. It was hard. But Fukuzawa-san saw different path I could take, and really... it's thanks to him that I'm still here at all.
[Ahh. He's getting emotional again, his eyes shining as he smiles back at her.]
I can talk about lofty ideals about helping people and changing the world-- but really, we're all just searching for a way to live. And if we can help others as we help each other, all the better.
no subject
... Nope. You do-gooders are still strange.
[She sighs, not sure how to help with his eyes. Making him cry more was not the goal tonight, but here she is! At least she carries a package of tissues in her pocket. There are too many crybabies in her life not to.]
Give yourself more credit. I, for one, only cared about me. Finding a way to live, sure, but it takes an extra something to care about whoever you run into along the way.
no subject
I guess so. But there's nothing wrong with caring about yourself, either.
If anything-- that's something that some of us are still working on.
[Ranpo knows, after all, that his relationship with Inaba wouldn't have become so toxic if he cared about himself more. Maybe then he could have seen the signs earlier and put a stop to things before the hurt could hurt so much.]
I know I'm crying again, but-- I do feel better, talking to you.